10:02:32 pm on
Tuesday 14 Jul 2020

Nasal Symphony
Matt Seinberg

People that snore generally do not admit they do, which drives their sleep partners to madness. I knew a fellow, awhile back, that actually had surgery to repair his deviated septum, but still snored. He ended up buying an adjustable bed to raise his head up about 20 degrees. I believe that solved his problem.


A nasal symphony.

My wife, Marcy, snores. The many noises she produces are akin to a nasal symphony. There are animal noises like pigs, horses and sheep; then there are the whistling noises that range from a very low to a very high octave.

My only remedy is to shake her and hope to get her to turn over if she's facing towards me or to wake her up and get her to stop snoring. Given my usual poor luck, she mutters that she's not even sleeping and continues to snore.

I can't tell you how many times she has kept me up for hours. At ainw point, I usually go into the kitchen, have a snack and, maybe, watch television in there. Then I'll go back to bed and read a book until I'm tired enough to actually fall asleep, even if Marcy is still snoring.

The lousy part of all this is she refuses to admit that she snores. I even showed her how hard I pushed her to turn over and she's surprised at the severity of it. She can’t hear herself.

I did record her once, but she accused me of faking it. How could I fake her snoring, when I'm narrating her snoring? She lives in a world of her own that must not have snoring.

The funny thing is that she is a stomach sleeper and most stomach sleepers don't snore, supposedly. Then she'll flip on her side like a killer whale. It gets even worse.

A few years ago, I went for a sleep study. It turned out I didn't have sleep apnea. I wasn't looking forward to having to wearing a device every night, so I was lucky.


The sleep study.

This sleep study consisted of putting two thingamajigs in my nostrils and attaching them to a very small machine. The first time it didn't read anything; the second time it worked. I had nightmares of a CPAP machine until I got the results that I didn't have sleep apnea.

I suggested to Marcy go for a sleep study. She could do it either in the sleep center or at home, but she refuses. My sleep sanity is on the verge of collapse.

I see many heads nodding up and down because they understand what I'm going through. At least one, if not both sleep partners snore. What's the solution short of a pillow over the face?

Yes, I have tried putting a pillow between us, just resting on her face and nothing works. I keep shoving her, hoping she may actually fall out of bed and stay there, but that hasn't happened yet.

The Mayo Clinic reports snoring is the hoarse or harsh sound that occurs when air passes relaxed tissues in your throat, causing the tissues to vibrate as you breathe. Nearly everyone snores now and then, but for some people it can be a chronic problem. Sometimes it may also indicate a serious health condition. In addition, snoring can be a nuisance to your partner.

Lifestyle changes, such as losing weight, avoiding alcohol close to bedtime or sleeping on your side, can help stop snoring. In addition, medical devices and surgery are available that may reduce disruptive snoring. These machines aren't suitable or necessary for everyone who snores.

My wife suggested that I wear earplugs, but then I risk not hearing my alarm clock in the morning. I asked her is she's willing to get up early and wake me up then. She didn't answer my question.

My only advice is to face away from your partner. If you can't fall asleep because of the snoring, gently at first shake them. If that doesn't work, shake them harder and force them to turn over.


How to ignore snoring.

Does that work? Sometimes, maybe, but the snoring may continue. Drinking alcohol won't help, since that increases the risk of snoring, but it might make you drunk enough you can’t hear the snoring.

Matt Seinberg lives on Long Island, a few minutes east of New York City. He looks at everything around him and notices much. Somewhat less cynical than dyed in the wool New Yorkers, Seinberg believes those who don't see what he does like reading about what he sees and what it means to him. Seinberg columns revel in the silly little things of life and laughter as well as much well-directed anger at inept, foolish public officials. Mostly, Seinberg writes for those who laugh easily at their own foibles as well as those of others.

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