04:23:58 pm on
Saturday 22 Jun 2024

Dealing Trump Out
David Simmonds

Donald J Trump and his mentor, Roy Cohn

Why doesn’t Donald Trump just quit? The president who didn’t want the job and didn’t expect to get it is busy making a shambles of the presidency, while cementing his own reputation. Reportedly and understandably, he isn’t a very happy camper.

Trump needs a viable excuse to resign.

Most people would settle for a wafer-thin pretext for quitting. “My wife is threatening to divorce me if I don’t quit, so I have to give up my dream job for the woman I love.” “My travel schedule is taking a horrible toll on my back. I’m quitting on advice of my physicians, not because I want to.” “The White House has been found to contain germs. I can’t afford the risk of an adverse health event.” These excuses would surely settle well with other politicians as well as voters.

That, however, is not the style of Donald Trump. Quitting is for losers and he is not a loser. He would need to find other means.

A criminal investigation, with the prospect of future impeachment, was a good start. How about flattery to get him to leave; “Your first year as president was the best ever. You can’t top that.”

Could the promise of honours to come be sufficient to induce his resignation? For instance, perhaps our friends at the United Nations would consider appointing him “Earth Ambassador Plenipotentiary to the Universe,” once he leaves office. It’s a grand sounding title, although the job description would be vague.

As an ambassador for the UN, Donald Trump could design his own stationery and coat of arms. Maybe his daughter could design a uniform for him. There would be lots of time for him to catch a round of golf, even on weekdays, when rates are cheaper.

Trump versus the space aliens.

In the unlikely event of a visit by strange creatures, from who knows where, Trump could put his experience directing American immigration policy to good use. Who knows, in a few years, he may be able to say “Martians. I love Martians. Met their leader; very nice guy.” Maybe after meeting Mr, Trump they’ll won’t be in a hurry to revisit earth.

There are loads of other possibilities. What if Congress passed a resolution that declared Trump the “Greatest President of the Century?” I’m sure that Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama would let their pride take a back seat to the need to extract the man from the office. Alternatively, Congress could decide to issue a new version of the US two-dollar bill bearing the image of Mr. Trump.

The east coast elite could arrange for him to receive an honorary doctorate in governance from Harvard University. The Hollywood set would do their bit. Steven Spielberg could promise to make a movie, over which Mr. Trump has complete creative control, and title it “Trump: the Greatest Story Ever Told.”

Ordinary people could just start a crowdfunding campaign, the objective being to build up a severance payment too large for Trump to ignore. Mexicans, Haitians, Moslems, even Norwegians could participate; donations from all quarters would be accepted, thereby confirming, for the last time, that he is not a racist.

I grant you that some people will recoil at the prospect of paying tribute to Trump, even as an insincere means to an end. Sometimes you just have to hold your nose.

Vain though Trump may be I doubt he will quit for flattery alone. He no doubt knows how desperate people are to get rid of him and has an exit strategy. He will continue in office, pretending he is having the time of his life, not caring how much china he breaks, until the moment he perceives he has maximum advantage, at which point he will cut a deal. Whatever the payoff to Mr. Trump works out to be, it will seem minuscule when compared to the cost of rebuilding the stature of the office he has so briefly held.

What’s the deal for Trump to resign?

What sort of deal? Perhaps, pardons for Trump and his lackeys; huge financial payoffs or tributes to his greatness. All for getting off a hot seat he never wanted to be on in the first place. If he can pull that off, history will record it as a fine example of the art of the deal.

Some readers seem intent on nullifying the authority of David Simmonds. The critics are so intense; Simmonds is cast as more scoundrel than scamp. He is, in fact, a Canadian writer of much wit and wisdom. Simmonds writes strong prose, not infrequently laced with savage humour. He dissects, in a cheeky way, what some think sacrosanct. His wit refuses to allow the absurdities of life to move along, nicely, without comment. What Simmonds writes frightens some readers. He doesn't court the ineffectual. Those he scares off are the same ones that will not understand his writing. Satire is not for sissies. The wit of David Simmonds skewers societal vanities, the self-important and their follies as well as the madness of tyrants. He never targets the outcasts or the marginalised; when he goes for a jugular, its blood is blue. David Simmonds, by nurture, is a lawyer. By nature, he is a perceptive writer, with a gimlet eye, a superb folk singer, lyricist and composer. He believes quirkiness is universal; this is his focus and the base of his creativity. "If my humour hurts," says Simmonds,"it's after the stiletto comes out." He's an urban satirist on par with Pete Hamill and Mike Barnacle; the late Jimmy Breslin and Mike Rokyo and, increasingly, Dorothy Parker. He writes from and often about the village of Wellington, Ontario. Simmonds also writes for the Wellington "Times," in Wellington, Ontario.

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